Posted from the cell phone

With tears streaming down my face, i wrote you an email today. I didnt send it though. I know you care about me but i dont think its enough to care why i was crying or what the email said. It probably would have made you angrier at me. So i typed it out and then started it sending and before it sent i hit cancel because i dont want you angrier at me. I just want this pain to end. I want to stop having to cry myself to sleep at night. I want the nightmares to stop. If i wasnt so chicken i would end it all myself and with it, my life. However even if i wasnt i dont think i would anyways since you wouldnt come to my funeral if i took the easy way out. Life is just passive suicide anyways. So i will keep living for now and keep hoping and praying that for once things start going better in my own life. I still pray for you every night. I pray that what you are going through gets better soon. I pray that my best friends find happiness in their lives. All i pray for me is to just be able to find a reliable and somewhat cheap car and a job soon. I pray for those in hopes that i can start going back to church and keep doing the right things i need to do to be on better terms with myself. And i pray that one day i will learn to love myself and see what you have seen in the past when you have called me pretty.