Friendships=Fail

Seriously. Why can't I make a simple friendship work? Besides between me and Meg. I have my two best friends who have almost literally been through hell and back with me. At least half of that has been my emotional state going everywhere the last 4 years. I need to hang out with her more. I really miss her. Apart from her though, I can't make any of my other friendships work. And it kind of sucks. But then, I've always been kind of bad at friendships. Hell 8th grade transitioning into 9th grade. Except for Travis(crap I have 3 best friends but he and I so rarely talk now a days I forget about him occasionally. Now I feel bad) all of my friends deserted me. And going into high school was scary as hell for me. I remember my first day. Big huge school. Travis showed me to a few classes and attempted to show me how to open the locker he and I shared. Lunch came and we had two different lunches so I was alone. A (at the time I thought he was cute) cute senior came and started talking to me and it made me nervous as hell. And I got lost a few times and couldn't manage to open my locker. Yeah. Not really a great year for me. Or at least the start to one. Then P.E. came and I met Valerie. Took her half a year but she and her friends changed me from the shy quiet nerdy geeky girl into the more outgoing girl that most people know me to be now. But really, I'm still the shy quiet nerdy geeky girl whether you believe it or not. And slowly but surely I am reverting back to that girl. I miss her. She's just been locked up inside with her books for so long it takes a bit of coaxing to get her to come back out. She was never great at having/keeping friends either but she tried. One of the girls I was friends in high school once wrote this to me on my status on facebook. The question was why do people like me? her response: i like you april because you don't follow the crowd. you are who you are and don't give a damn what other people think. even in high school and middle school when people would put you down you never let it get to you. i actually kind of admire you for that. i wish i had that kind of self confidence . :)


But in all actuality, I let it get to me all the time. I just didn't show it often. At least not until I got home and was locked up in my room. I cried so much. I got teased all the time. All of it was just a front to try and make it so it seemed I was invulnerable to their taunts and such and to try and make it stop. Anyways though, back on the topic I was on. Most of the people I have been friends with over the years have been lying, backstabbing, manipulative people. And I didn't see it until too late. I thought I knew how to be a friend. I mean I am there as much as I can be for people. Most people don't take me up on it. Half of them sit there and go "I have no one to talk to" and I'm like you have me. I'm a phone call, text, or email away. Or if you want to come to my house/want me to come over I'll be there. Just let me know. and they never take the offer for what it is. I know what its like to need someone to talk to you can trust and I try my damndest to be that person. So what the hell am I doing wrong? I mean I know I tend to close myself off when I get uncomfortable or put in an overly social situation because I am not that social of a person. I like small groups. Apart from birthday parties in middle school, I've never been to a party. Oh and dropping something off for someone at a party before going home to sleep for work the next day. I just don't know what to do anymore...............


I think I need some best friend time. Well, best friend video game time. *goes off to contact 2 of her best friends(the gay guy and the girl)*