I've had people question the people I call my best friends quite a bit lately. The people I call my best friends have earned that title. They are the people I trust. They have earned that trust. I don't trust easily.
I was contacted on facebook by an old friend from high school today. He and I are going on a hike on Tuesday after he gets off work. That excites me. I may have a new hiking buddy. Two actually. Both guys. One I went to high school with and the other college. And Meg when she has time which is rare. The guy I went to college with also has a pool at his apartment complex and lives real close to me and said I can come over swimming whenever as well. I am thinking of going over there on Tuesday.
It was raining about an hour ago ish. It made me happy to hear the rain on the roof.
The PSN is still down and has been down since Thursday night. For those who want the link to the down time: http://blog.us.playstation.com/2011/04/23/latest-update-for-psnqriocity-services/ What amuses me the most about all this is if you go on most forums, the group Anonymous is being blamed for the attacks on the network. However they are denying it and Playstation isn't accusing them. And usually when they do an attack they at least give a day's warning and take as much credit as they can for it.
Something I find funny. Officially I have 3 followers to my blog. I know there are a lot more of you who read it than that based off my views. I know 3 people are not going to give me 140 views. Yet no one really posts any feedback or comments. I do have a few actual serious posts where I've asked questions that I really want people's input on and they just get ignored. Not that I should be surprised. Its no different than in real life. I ask a question or try and hang out with someone and get ignored. Story of my life. And we wonder why I have no life.
At the moment, yes, I am quite a bit emotionally vulnerable right now. Part of that still has to do with Ashley and the betrayal I feel from her. She *use* to be one of my best friends. And then a boy came in between us. He told me one thing and told her something else and she thought I was bullshitting and lying to her and I wasn't. It is still painful. Yeah, it happened two months ago but we are talking about a 5 or 6 year long friendship(honestly it was probably a bit longer I just don't remember the exact year I met her. If I could find my diary from then I could give an exact date but where it is I have no clue). As heartless as this sounds, if she ever finds out that I wasn't lying to her and that he was and decides to try and apologize and stuff, I won't take her back as a friend. What she did to me was straight out betrayal and for everything we went through, that I helped her through, for her to do that........It hurts. Badly. I mean hell, I drove her up to Santa Barbara and back down so that she could spend a weekend with a boy she tried to date who broke her heart, apologized to her, had her come up to stay with him and spend time with him, hurt her again, and then decided she wanted nothing to do with. I was pissed at him that weekend when I dropped her off and was ready to beat the shit out of him. Hell I might still do it just for fun. And the fact that due to incorrect directions we got lost and he mocked me for it. Considering he initially gave her the directions to give to me anyways.......It wasn't my fault that the freeway exit didn't exist anymore.
Most girls are nothing by lying, manipulative, cheating, two-faced, backstabbing sluts/whores. The situation from Ashley just goes to show why I really don't have many girl friends. Guys, IMO, have always been upfront and won't do shit like that to you. I mean yeah, they can get manipulated by a jealous girlfriend into ending a friendship but at least they'll tell you that its because their girlfriend doesn't want them to be friends with you or feels threatened by you or whatever the case is.
I wish the universe would stop making my life such a big joke. All I really want is just to love and be loved and grow old with the guy who loves me back like I love him. Is it really too much to ask? I want that guy who will treat me how I deserve to be treated. Who will respect me. Who doesn't want to use me. Who will love me for me. Who will be my best friend. Who I can trust and who will trust me. Who won't hurt me. I have faith that he's out there. Somewhere. With the wrong girl. It just worries me on how long it will take us to find each other.
I need to learn to love myself again. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low right now they are almost non-existent. The mirror is my enemy. It disgusts me to see myself in the mirror. I see an overweight, worthless, nerdy, geeky, gamer girl who is so pathetic that she can barely keep a friendship going and fucks up too many times for anything to go right and who can't even keep a job. I have no confidence in myself so dressing myself up doesn't help at all. The fact that the people who say they are friends with me don't want to hang out with me or don't have time to because "I live too far" doesn't help either. Once my car died all of a sudden these people I thought were my friends have decided its too far to hang out with me. Or all of a sudden they are "too busy". Meg I know is actually too busy. She has full time school and last I heard two jobs. Everyone else? Maybe I don't really have friends like I thought I did. And legitimately some of my friends do live too far to hang out. Like my OC friends. Anyone who lives outside of Riverside can get away with the too far excuse because that actually is too far to drive just to hang out for a few hours. Part of learning to love myself is to bring the parts of myself that got buried back to the surface and bury the parts of me that those replace. I'll still be as stubborn as ever, that will never change. I want to go back to being the shy, quiet, nerdy little girl who pretty much kept to herself. I was a lot happier like that.
I wish sometimes that my life were easier. Not like super easy, just certain aspects like finding a job were easier. Some people have no problem finding a job. I wish I was one of those people. Everything in my life is hard. Including simple things like maintaining friendships and relationships even with family members. I mean I appreciate what I have even though I may not act like it often, I still do.
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