Wrap up of things running through my head right now

So, the blog that I linked in my last post, I've kind of gotten really into. I'm having net issues right now which are pissing me off. I can't find my net connection that I set up. I'm currently logged on via a "public" network that I found until I can figure out why my home network for my wireless has suddenly disappeared. argh! I slept most of the day today so naturally I'm kind of tired but not really. Just in that state where I slept so much that I made myself tired from too much sleep. So I'm keeping myself up until I normally go to sleep tomorrow so that I can get my sleep schedule back on track. I've been doing a lot of thinking. So yeah, I don't have a lot of followers. And I rarely get comments. But you know what? I've realised that this doesn't matter in the slightest. Because the important thing is that I'm getting stuff off my chest and ultimately feeling better and that's all that matters. Looking back at blog posts, some of them I'm quite frankly embarrassed that I was acting that stupid or childish(depending on which post we're talking about). I've done some growing up but not much. Also, it occurs to me that maybe people are intimidated about posting comments. Don't be. Yes, I'm highly opinionated, but I like discussions. I can have an intelligent discussion with people who have other views that may even be opposing views to my own without it turning into the name calling game.

Lately, my phone has been shut off. Like completely. It is fully charged and off right now. And the service is temporarily disconnected. The past week of this has been one of the happier weeks of my life. Because my phone isn't going off every few minutes with a text or a call or something going on. Granted a lot of the texts are things people post to twitter or facebook. Or people poking me on facebook. Still. Happiest week of my life. I'm still waiting for unemployment to pay me so that I can report the next week of job searching to them and hopefully I get it really soon. I still owe $211 and some change to the shop that did my clutch. I was suppose to pay it last week cause unemployment was suppose to pay me by last week. So I'm stressing a little about that right now. Hopefully they don't come and impound my car or anything before I can pay them back. It will be a lot of apologies to them for taking so long once I do get the money though. I have $50 in my bank account currently that I can give them but that still leaves a little over $100 that I will owe them. And I can do the change so that it is the $100 ish. I really need a job. I've busted my ass for almost the past year and I still can't find one. Not even at the holidays. What the hell? But everyone has "Now Hiring" signs up and still won't hire me. How does this happen? I mean I look business professional when I go and pick up/turn in the application and for interviews on the very rare chance that I get them. I take out some of my piercings(the more unprofessional ones, which quite frankly is a good portion of them) and put simpler earrings in the more professional ones(I either pick the higher of the two in my lobe or the lower never both) I do my makeup and hair all nice. I don't have my boobs popping out or wear other revealing or skimpy clothing. I'm at a loss. If I could get a job off persistence I would be hired at Target, Wal Mart, and Disneyland. Well re-hired at Disneyland.

I've come to realise that I screwed up a bit with Disney. I let David and my jealousy control too much of my life thus causing me to lose said job at Disneyland. Yeah, I was a little fed up with the job at the time but that more had to do with one manager in specific targeting me more for being a female in his kitchen that he didn't really like. Maybe I just did my job too well. Maybe I wasn't man enough for him. Maybe he was a misogynistic gay male(though I do know for a fact he was very flamboyantly gay). Or maybe there was just something about me that he didn't like. I'll never know. And personally, I don't care that much. I came in, I did my job and did it well(minus one screw up on like my first morning breakfast shift because I was still new to the kitchen and didn't really know much about breakfast and they were still training me but I think that can be forgiven for not knowing)and knowing that I did my job well makes me feel a lot better about myself. Knowing that I didn't kiss anyone's ass to get that job to get the cross training to a higher paid position that I instead, worked my ass off for it and got it makes me think and feel highly of myself. I think part of the problem around here is that too many people around here still think we are in high school and still tease me for stuff that happened over 8 years ago. Hell I still have people facebook messaging me from high school and middle school and stuff asking about rumours that went around if they are/were true or not. Unfortunately it feels like to get a job around here you not only have to know someone but you also have to majorly kiss ass. And that's the one thing I refuse to ever do. Which, by the way on the topic of David, I'm slowly cutting him out of my life. Soon as I can get my wireless to connect again I'm probably going to delete him off the psn. I've been slowly cutting down my friends on facebook. From people I don't talk to ever.

Through Kitty, I think I'm starting to accept myself and dear god maybe go back to loving myself more. Lately, its been more like I tolerate myself but don't really like or love myself. Which saddens me because I use to love myself. A lot. Though that was before David completely fucked me over emotionally. And Ashley betrayed our friendship. Well it may not have been an actual betrayal but that's what it felt like so that is what I will refer it as. Kitty has taken some days to sit and call me lovely some days. He tells me all the time how much he loves my body as it is. And if I want to lose weight or anything he will support me. And if I don't then that is MY choice and decision and he will still like me regardless. I'm very grateful to have him in my life right now. I only wish that I could get out of this financial mess I'm in right now and move closer. Slowly but surely. Soon as I get the money to get my passport I'm getting that and then I'm going to apply for a work visa for the UK and look for work over there so that hopefully I get the visa and have a job to go to and hopefully I'll have the money to hop on a plane and go out there. Initially I plan on taking what I need. My laptop, clothes, maybe my dvd case since I can put it in my laptop bag, a pillow, and probably a set of sheets and a blanket or two. And my tea and a cup to drink said tea out of. Then after I get settled, I'll have my parents start sending the rest over. But I will definitely pack everything before I leave so all they have to do is address the boxes to me. I have all my boxes labelled too so that when customs asks what's in them they can tell them. I'll send my knives and swords over to Kitty, or Adam, or Emilee and Dave, or Chris, or someone I know over in the UK so I can just get them from them and my parents don't have to worry about them. I just need to figure out how. I need to get in contact with customs about it. Will probably do that after I get my phone turned back on. Maybe the post office can help me.......eh we'll see.

I'm proud of myself. I came across this: http://users.livejournal.com/_allecto_/34718.html which I can disprove a lot of as wrong on multiple levels without commenting like I wanted to. I think I'm getting a better hold of my anger on the net. Though I do want to point out, This person says that Zoe is just being basically subservient to Mal because she calls him sir and all this crap about feminism and shite. Zoe was under Mal's command in the war and in the military you call people of higher ranks "Sir" or "Ma'am" whichever the case may be. Habits like that are hard to break. And Mal doesn't punch Simon for no reason. He has a reason which if you were paying attention to the damn episode it's very clear WHY he punched him. And saying Inara is being raped because she is a companion is wrong. She CHOOSES her clients and obviously enjoys what she does or she wouldn't do it. Not rape. Big difference. But that's the end of my Firefly rant because if I go on I will start dissecting every little part of that. I don't necessarily consider myself a feminist but I don't consider myself not. If that makes sense to anyone. I'm kind of in that middle ground between being one and not being one. I need to give it a lot more thought before I can actually define what I am. I am all for women and men being paid the same for doing the same job(in fact it would be great) and having the same opportunities but I am not sure society on the whole can accept it at this point in time just yet. I think we need to work on women being seen as people first not sex symbols. Then move from there.