"...because once you're Real, you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." Skin Horse to Velveteen Rabbit

This was posted on a website that I happen to be a member of in a group as a discussion topic so I am going to discuss it here. First read the link

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

(this was my response in the group)
I had a counselor tell me once that this was the problem with me and I still don't see it. I believe I am perfectly imperfect and that those who think they are actually perfect are lying to themselves. I'm very honest and upfront with the few that I trust and myself about what is going on with me in my life. And about a year and a half ago I had some stranger to me who judged me off of one session to help with my problem of depression tell me that I wasn't depressed I just had the disease of perfection.

Now, I have been dealing with depression for a while now. It is very hard to live with. Some days are good/amazing/great and others well I try not to dwell on those. They come a lot more now that I don't have a job but that doesn't mean that they can start that way and have to end that way and vice versa.

Take today for instance. Started out kinda bad and kinda good. I was texting Rob until about 2 am Cali time(that's 5 am his time) and HE was suppose to play video games online with me. He wound up being to tired to do so. So we have a positive and a negative. I fell asleep. 4 hours later, I woke up. Couldn't sleep anymore. Oh and I fell asleep to it raining. I love the rain. Woke up it was raining. So at this point my day is not bad, not neutral, and not good. Just kinda so-so. It can go either way. He texts me when he wakes up and says we will play later. I ask when he yells at me in text. So I put my phone down and went and played a little bit. Most of the day was spend alone and it was very sad for me. Everyone else was too busy to talk to me. Rob had a paintball tournament, HE was out doing whatever he was doing, Meg had work if I recall correctly, and Pecans was still in Downey. Spent some time on the computer and spent some time on the PS3. Most of the day however I was just staring at the tv screen figuring out what to do and playing with some stuff in an empty Little Big Planet level. Eventually I got sick of it. Most of what I've done lately has been with the computer or PS3. Granted most of the computer time has been filling out job applications. I've gone out twice. Both times for interviews and one of them I picked up my last paycheck. Otherwise, I've been home. I'm starting to go stir crazy. I took a bath and read a little bit and then I got dressed and went for a walk before dinner. The walk made my day better. Oh and Rob called me when I was on the computer earlier and we got to talk a bit. That made me happy cause he usually just texts me and I am the one who calls him. Pecans told me we are on for our running date tomorrow(Sunday). Which makes me happy. So I had a bit of good mixed in with a lot of bad loneliness. After the walk(which for those interested I did about 2 miles) I ate dinner and went back in my room to play some more Little Big Planet. I wound up playing with HIM, Christian, and one of Christian's friends. We got me almost everything which makes me happy. I have one more level to get everything then I need to not die for the other 10 or so levels and that's two trophies :). Christian and his friend are hilarious. That made my day so much better. Oh and I talked more to Rob. Which is always a plus. He left the game to hang out with Nick and Heather after maybe an hour more likely half an hour. Christian left an hour later. Putting us at 9 pm ish. Me and Christian's friend played til a little after midnight. So much craziness and random antics happened. It was amazing.

Now back on topic. That just proved my point. Day started out kinda so-so and wound up really good. We all have our ups and downs the downs just hit a lot harder than the ups. I also got to see him yesterday and Daniel came over and we played some LBP2. Man I haven't seen that boy in forever. I miss him so much. Anyways though. About a year and a half ish ago (I don't remember the exact amount of time that's passed. Don't know where my folder with that information is) I decided to attempt to get counseling for my depression. I was holding a job and fairly happy but still had a lot of downs. Counselor has one session with me in which he made me do a lot of tests to make sure I had depression and to check for anything else. Apparently according to his tests I suffer from the disease of perfection. Which is bullshit. How many times have I lied in this blog alone? none. And since I am honest with myself online it also goes to figure I am also honest in person to myself and others. Which I am. I also have almost severe OCD(no shit sherlock!), ADD which I already knew, and something else but I don't remember what it is at the moment. The ADD I pretty much have under control. The OCD is so not a problem but apparently according to the counselor it is. The OCD mostly hits me at work or if I am helping a friend clean their house/pack. Or when I am going through video games/movies/cds. I'm sorry I like my music/video games/movies in alphabetical order according to genre/system. It makes it a lot easier for me to find what I'm looking for. Otherwise at home, I am one of the most disorganized people ever. Oh and I fold/hang up my clothes according to color/type(blue jeans, black jeans, BDU pants, khaki, blue jean skirts, black skirts etc...) Once again, easier to find what I'm looking for. Otherwise everything else is thrown around here and there with no real sense of what is where. I know I have problems, I admit them constantly not just to myself but to others. Those I am close to. So where on God's green earth does someone get that I suffer from the perfection disease? I'm battling depression without medication because I'm too stubborn for it.

I had a pediatrician who hated putting me on medication for anything. Currently the only medication I take is my inhaler usually before I go running or sometime in the middle of my run. Helps with the asthma attacks. I was on ritalin and adderrol as a child. Adderrol was my freshman year of high school for half the year. It didn't really work so I stopped taking it, told my doctor and he said alright. I was taking medication for anxiety attacks(I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks that lead me into asthma attacks) and I took it for probably a year and then got it under control. Now it helped a lot that I had a doctor who trusted me when I said I was taking myself off a medication because it either didn't work anymore/stopped working/never did work/I got the problem under control. I still hate being on medication. If I don't have to be on it, you can bet I won't be. When did we, as human beings, decide we needed to start classifying everything and try to cure it all? Some of us have "disorders" that actually help us. My OCD is a fixed point in the chaos that is my life. Its a constant. I need that. I've come to accept myself as I am. Yes I do have problems with myself that I am working to correct, no I won't talk about them, and no I won't list them. Its my own business none of yours and I don't feel like talking about it.

Oh and don't get me wrong, I am a bit of a perfectionist sometimes(usually at work but that's perfectly fine right?)but not enough to determine that that is who and what I am. I'm just me. Like it or not. I won't change for anyone but myself.

I am perfectly imperfect, anyone who believes themselves otherwise is lying to themselves