So, I'm not going into details with this which probably won't make sense to a lot of people but this is eating away at me and it's hard to bring this up with my mum even though I should and I need it off my chest.
During our recent vacation to San Diego I was constantly feeling unwanted. It started the day we left and were packing the car. My mum's tone of voice and general attitude towards me made me feel like everything was MY fault even though it wasn't.
Then a few days before my little brother's birthday I was messing around like I usually am. I got in trouble because I included my little brother in it. Seriously. I get yelled at when I don't include him and then I get yelled at when I do include him. Long story short, hat store, pretended to head butt him, got elbowed on top of my head by him. It fucking hurt. I wound up removing myself from the situation so I wouldn't lash out at him. I thought that was the right thing to do, apparently not. I was already almost in tears because of how much it hurt when he elbowed me. Mum comes over and practically yells at me without actually yelling makes me finally break and start crying. Doesn't seem to notice/care. Too busy telling me that it was completely 100% my fault and I know better. Then proceeds to tell me when I tell her I'm not joining the group again that fine I can walk back. And then she walks away. I seriously considered walking back to Solana Beach from Seaport Village and figuring out a way to get into the room and remove all my stuff and then calling a friend to rescue me (which probably would have been Des as she was closest and then having someone come get me from her place an hour or so later). Apparently, my mum laid into my brother and told him it was partially his fault. I found this out second hand from Kerowynn cause she was still around them when this all happened(I really needed the time to myself too). Did I ever get an apology from him or my mum? Nope. Did she ever mention it? Nope.
Fast forward a few days to his birthday. I'm mildly claustrophobic. But only in certain situations. It's weird. I don't fully understand it myself. Regardless, my claustrophobia is seriously acting up. And it wasn't just that day. It's been off and on the entire vacation. This really worries me because usually my claustrophobia doesn't act up. I mention that I'm going to need to sit up front on the drive back home. Brother sighs and gives me attitude. He flat out said "Well you were fine on the way down here why can't you sit in the back on the way back" or something very similar. The first part of that was almost verbatim. Now, I realise my brother is Autistic and doesn't really understand a lot of things. That sentence however, killed me inside. So I made up my mind on the next day coming home that I'd just attempt to sleep in the backseat and hope my claustrophobia kind of went away. Because I was getting attitude and shit from him and partly my mum. Argument ensued. Wound up in front just as squished as in the back only it didn't feel like anyone was sitting on me. That was the only difference.
Sometimes, my family feels very inconsiderate towards my feelings. Like my mum telling me that I'm not an introvert, I am an extrovert. And that I "overreact" when I start having mild claustrophobic attacks or panic attacks. Usually in the store. Those are more panic attacks though and that's only when the store is busy. Then she denies this ever happened. Not to mention the whole even if I'm paying rent because it is their house I have to keep my room spotless to THEIR specifications otherwise I'm constantly threatened by them coming in and organising and cleaning my room themselves. Which is bullshit. But whatever.
No comments:
Post a Comment