Especially when it is someone who at one point wanted me and then met my friends. I mean I get it. My friends are apparently more attractive than I am. They aren’t as boring as I am. Their standards are different. They aren’t as socially awkward as I am. Or as introverted. All I have going for me is that I know what I want and won’t back down from it. And that scares people away from finding me attractive.
Yes, this is a continuation of this post.
Yeah, I am a bit of an attention whore if that is the terminology you want to use. I like attention. But I like specific types of attention. I like cuddling. I like casual non sexual touching. I like people scratching my head/playing with my hair. Occasionally I even like people complimenting my outfits/looks. I just don't like being invisible most of the time.
My coping mechanism for being invisible (or feeling it at least) is to withdraw into myself. Usually started with me just staring into space and making myself as small as possible. this is also my coping mechanism for when I feel like I am unwanted or intruding. Along with a refusal of eye contact.
I don't just want to be desired because my body looks this way or that. Or because I'm showing that much of my body. I want to be desired because someone actually fucking desires me for me. All of me.
However, I scare people off. I have a very strong personality. And it takes time getting used to. Kerowynn can attest to this. Kero has been one of my best friends for 7 (I think) years now. She has seen failed relationships with me. She's seen me at my best and my absolute worst. Yet still sticks around. Even though I'm constantly hitting on her (though now, it's turned more into jokingly flirting rather than seriously flirting because whilst the attraction is there on my end I DO realise she is straight and I'm not her type and I'm perfectly ok with this).
Realistically, I KNOW I'm nowhere near ready to be in a relationship mentally speaking. However, I'm also aware that I'm hiding behind this fact. I'm refusing to work on myself like I keep saying I'm going to so I can use this excuse. I know it's bad. But I'm scared shitless of ever being in a relationship again since every single one has failed badly. And I continuously get badly hurt. Yet at the same time I have a desire to be in one. Much as I keep saying that I'll either be single forever or just never marry, down inside I WANT to get married. I want the companionship. But I don't want the vulnerability. I'm tired of getting hurt. I'm tired of the tears. I'm envious of everyone who can maintain relationships longer than 3 months. I just want a healthy relationship where my partner respects me and I can respect them and where we trust each other and I feel wanted. And want someone who can be more dominant than I am. I want to be able to trust them to let them play.
I also want to get over this feeling of my body is not my own when it comes to sexual desires from the rapes. I want to go back to loving my body and feeling confident about it. I want someone I can open up to about it all who will hold me, comfort me, and support me.
......I just feel like I'm asking too much.......
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