And no this isn't confessions as in "things i haven't been honest about" more like things i held back from everyone else. To start out with, I'm going to pull a part of a conversation I had with my mate Chris via skype. Slightly edited for a few things I am not ready to deal with more people knowing about yet but you'll get the general idea.
Conversation (My user name on everything is Bunny and Chris is Grand Admiral Thrawn):
[2/3/2012 4:13:10 PM] Bunny: meh.
[2/3/2012 4:13:17 PM] Bunny: it happened nothing i can do about it
[2/3/2012 4:13:36 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: As long as i doesn't stop you enjoying life
[2/3/2012 4:14:14 PM] Bunny: this is the message i got from our mutual friend
[2/3/2012 4:14:14 PM] Bunny: Hey, wanted to give you my support. Was hard to drop a friend after 10 years but after alot of reflection was fairly easy.
If you kept in contact with me when you got that letter from David saying he loved you, I would have laughed. Frankly it's bullshit. I had plenty of discussions back in the day about how I thought he should give a fair shot with you cause you seem to accept him and he accepts regardless of who you guys are and had great chemistry. But he insisted he had no interest in you regardless, and expressed multiple times his interest to marry Jenny or whomever he was seeing, and how he wanted to get back with Emily, his one true love. Even after his arrest, he talked about how great.... what's her face who you can see him with at the Tron Event was... He said that she said "She'll wait for me and love me regardless." It's all bullshit.
It's really all lies, it's all come out after his arrest. Our friend Vanessa called it years ago, David thinks he's a player. He thinks he can score any woman he wants at any time. Now Jenny has STD[omitted due to me not being able to deal with it] from David, and am sure you do too. And Jenny has to take alot of medication to make sure her child with her new husband she is pregnant with doesn't die when she/he is born in a couple months. You never liked Jenny, and that's fine, but her soon-to-be kid doesn't deserve risk of death over David's bullshit.
I believe that once he gets out of jail, he thinks you will still accept him regardless of his STD and regardless of his soon-to-be Sexual Offender Registry Profile he is sure to have to put down regardless of where he goes. I am certain this is the only reason he's "confessed his love" to you. Cause you are all, he thinks, he has left.
I really do support your decision to drop David, it will be healthier for you and your life here on out. Please don't take what I've said as anything against you, frankly for years I've supported you and didn't approve of how he treated you, but I never wanted to dive into your personal info too much, cause you were more David's friend then mine, I asked David if you were fine with situations, and he insisted you were, and you always seemed fine when we all hung out together... so I trusted him. Am sorry I did, should have asked you instead.
I hope if we don't talk anymore after this that you think of me as a positive instead of a negative. I know you've been hurt alot by David and I never want you to think that way of me. Me and Melissa are very happy for your decision and believe it's best for you.
[2/3/2012 4:15:50 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: my words...
[2/3/2012 4:15:55 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: thats....
[2/3/2012 4:16:09 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: you all have my sympathy :(
[2/3/2012 4:16:16 PM] Bunny: welcome to the hell i've been dealing with since
[2/3/2012 4:17:13 PM] Bunny: and right now I abso-fucking-lutely hate my body
[2/3/2012 4:17:37 PM] Bunny: the things the doctors said would help is eating healthy which for the most part i do and to get exercise
[2/3/2012 4:17:43 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: :( i'm sorry, I didn't understand
[2/3/2012 4:17:48 PM] Bunny: its ok
[2/3/2012 4:17:49 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn:
[2/3/2012 4:17:49 PM] Bunny: no one did
[2/3/2012 4:17:54 PM] Bunny:
[2/3/2012 4:18:03 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: I thought you were just being silly :(
[2/3/2012 4:18:04 PM] Bunny: i didn't want anyone to understand
[2/3/2012 4:18:27 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: You've always been there for me, I'm always here for you as well my friend
[2/3/2012 4:18:29 PM] Bunny: I'm not use to getting sympathy or help when i need it. I'm use to having to deal with shite on my own
[2/3/2012 4:18:33 PM] Bunny: thanks
[2/3/2012 4:18:37 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: I care for you a lot, and I'm glad we are friends
[2/3/2012 4:18:48 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: if I can do anything, please let me know
[2/3/2012 4:19:10 PM] Bunny: I'm use to being there for everyone else until I need something and then no one being there for me. Why do you think I want to move out of this hell hole?
[2/3/2012 4:19:44 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: Now I also see a bit more of why you want to get over here so badly
[2/3/2012 4:19:54 PM] Grand Admiral Thrawn: and when you do, we will all be here waiting for you
[2/3/2012 4:20:10 PM] Bunny: I know
I bolded a few things that are important in this. I'm going to address these individually. and This is the letter that was referenced.
"Welcome to the hell I've been dealing with since" and "I abso-fucking-lutely hate my body right now" These two I will glaze over since it has to do in part with some of what I'm not ready to deal with publicly. There are to date, 3 people who know exactly what it is other than me and my doctor. Chris, Kitty, and Emilee. As soon as I get a hold of my best friend Meg, she'll know too. And she's known me well before meeting David. Chris and Emilee got a lot of the shit I was dealing with from David. They knew me almost the whole time that he was in my life. Give or take 6 months - a year.
So let me deal with those two first since I'm not going into much detail. Due to being with David sexually and everything I've contracted a specific STD from him. I know who he got it from and in fact, she told me and I refused to believe her because he and I regularly went and got tested together and he said nothing about it. Like an idiot, I believed him. (And for those who know how its done in the US you can probably figure out which one it is without me saying it but for the sake of me not being able to publicly deal with it, please keep it to yourself for now.) In learning this, I've really started to hate my body. I already hated it before but that was just the icing on the cake so to say. I use to like my body...mostly. In high school. I looked pretty good. I wished for bigger boobs but you know just about every girl does at one point or another. I'm happy with my boobs for the most part now.
-----I'm going to interrupt for some photos------
these are all david and I through 4 years. I don't know if it is just me but I can see about where in the photos I started realising I wasn't happy with him. I was just so delusional....
---------End interruption----------For reference, this is what I looked like up until 2006:
those are all 2003 ish. natural hair colour before I'm asked. First photo I'm all the way to the left. Second the right. Third, left. And that last photo is one of my senior photos from high school. Hard to believe I looked like that huh?
yes, I know that haircut is terrible. I did that around 2004/5 ish and will never do it again. However I am fond of that second photo just because damn I have some nicely accented curves. and I still have those shorts.
these two are Halloween 2006 aka the last time I looked *that* good
These two are from 2009. Still kind of look good but I'm sucking it in some.
and this is me now where you can clearly see the weight gain.
Its just the excess weight I'm now carrying that I'm unhappy with. I'd be fine if it were muscle but it isn't. Its fat. Pure and simple. I've started walking as previously stated in prior blog posts. I know its not enough but it is a start. I need to finish organising my room before I can do what I really want to do because I need the floor space. And the comment about my life being hell partially ties into my weight issues and all the shite David put me through. More on that later.
"I didn't understand. I thought you were being silly." "I didn't want anyone to understand." "I'm not use to getting sympathy or help when i need it. I'm use to having to deal with shite on my own." These all go together. Simple truths. I honestly didn't want anyone to understand what I was going through with David. Well not fully. I've told part of the story already. There's a lot to the story of my life with him in it. We were "on and off again dating", we lived together, went to shows together, and had our ups and a LOT of downs. Looking back there were more downs than ups. I deluded myself into thinking it was worth it because I thought I loved him. Plain and simple. I didn't want anyone to understand what exactly was going on because I was afraid someone was going to point out that it was lust and not love and that I needed to dump him out of my life. I mean I already had a few people on the little I told them who told me that. One of whom is now permanently out of my life. The other *sigh* I'm not sure what we are to each other. I'd like to think friends but for now I'll say acquaintances.
So, going back 4 years ago. I was in school for massage therapy.
Top to bottom: top 3 photos l-r me, jen, meghann bottom two me and meghann both of us sick and sleeping on each other. crappy mobile camera was crappy. She use to live with us and we shared a bedroom.
I also had a good job working at Disneyland.
and that's almost every single costume I ever had to wear. That last photo is the infamous burn on my neck that looked like a hickey from new years eve.
I fucked it all up because of David and my jealousy. But that comes later on. So Disneyland, school, and two good friends. I started school my last year of working Disney. At the time I didn't know it would be my last year. I'd probably still be there if I hadn't of fucked myself. I was tired of working there but it was more the drive that I was tired with. And one of the managers. Fucking Jason. He hated me once I got into the kitchen as an Order Cook. But at least he signed off on me getting trained Order Cook and let me train for it. First day of school I meet Steve. He's in my class and at the time, I thought he was cute. Though ask me now and he's not. I grew out of liking him quickly. Especially once I met David. Who was one of Steve's friends. Steve set me up on a date with his friend Ray. I brought Meg along with me thinking maybe they could hit it off. Wound up being a double date. I know we went to see a film but I don't remember. I'd have to look up what was in theatres when we went. I met David the night of the double date. We were waiting for Ray to get off work and Meg to get there. This was right around the time of my car being in the shop cause some jack ass side swiped me and took out my entire passenger side. Which wound up with me having to call off of work that day. Which really sucked. So I had to rely on everyone else for transportation. I went to David's with Steve like right after school. We did our homework then just hung out for a bit. It was instant lust upon seeing him and meeting him. And then he and I started talking music and films and games which coincidentally re-sparked my interest in video games. As cliché as it was, I got back into them because of a cute guy. But you know what? I stayed into video games because I enjoy them. Not because of anyone else. Double date was terrible. I was completely not interested in Ray nor was Meg in Steve. We tried though. The boys were nice, just not our cup of tea. This was December 2007 when I started school. I was still living with my parents and Meg was going through issues and wound up moving in. 2008. I had two free tickets to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull at midnight on opening night. I took David with me. And yes, I did dress up.
So about this time I had known David about 6 ish months. Needless to say, later that night we wound up sleeping with each other for the first time. And I told him I loved him for the first time that night. I was 24.
And that's where I'm going to leave this off for right now. I'm tired and am having problems keeping awake and from crying too much. These will bring up a shit ton of emotions so... sorry to leave it at kind of a cliffhanger but for tonight, I've said a lot.
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