Late night musings

Am I really the kind of person that people don't typically like to associate with often? I know I'm fairly intelligent and make the choice mostly to not use my intelligence to its fullest and instead let irrational fears take me over but that doesn't mean I don't use at least some of my intelligence. I feel the need to explain myself often or say sorry for things that I have absolutely no control over. And it isn't always that I actually do feel sorry its just I don't know what else to say so I resort to "sorry". *sigh* I'm great at killing conversations. Heck I can kill them before they even start. I mean look at how much discussion goes on in my comments. Go ahead look. I'll wait. Yeah that's right. None. I have a whole 5 followers on my blog. I mean I know I tend to just write about random shite going on in my life but am I really that uninteresting that no one ever has anything to say even when I ask a question? I'm at a loss. I mean I know I mostly write here to get stuff out of my head but still. Today has been a day of not really talking to anyone. And I mean via skype, msn, steam, yahoo, etc.... I talked to two people today. And I'm not counting facebook comments or forum topics on the 'scapist. I'm talking actual conversation. One was on Steam and the other on Skype. For those of you who have me on any of those sites you'll notice I haven't been "online" in days. I am. Just invisible. I don't feel like appearing online right now. I've been thinking lately, have I reverted back to who I was in middle school? The shy quiet nerdy girl trying to fit in and be considered one of the "cool" kids? I don't know if its just my mood getting me down or if I'm actually ya know....being someone I'm not. I've started questioning and second guessing everything I am. The only things I haven't are the fact I am a girl(because that is a really undisputed fact right there) and the fact that I have always enjoyed reading and still enjoy reading. I called the police tonight to tow a strange car from in front of my house that was also parked in front of a fire hydrant(which is completely against the law and on a public street/public residence such as the street I live on is an immediate tow)and apparently the vehicle is a potentially stolen vehicle as well(they called me back about it to gather more information such as have i ever seen it before, did i see who was driving it or what house they went into, how long they've been there, etc and told  me that it might be a stolen vehicle and they have to investigate it)but I called just because I felt like being a bitch and getting someone's car towed. And with me questioning everything that includes me questioning my feelings especially about a specific person. I just...don't know anymore....... I'm so lost and confused and don't know who to talk to.............

Still haven't heard back from the job in Riverside by the way. I'm going to call back tomorrow and hopefully I get the lady I need to talk to and not her voicemail. again. like i did today. *sigh*
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ARGH!
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