Because I was triggered earlier and my brain's not letting go of this

Trigger warnings: Abuse, Rape, violence

As I read other blogs and stuff from authors who have gotten raped before I think more and more that mine weren't really a big deal. I mean the first was barely any penetration involved, he was too drunk to get it up, and I woke up with him on top of me trying to force his unerect penis into my vagina. It ended with me making noise and his friends pulling him off of me. The second was oral sex after I had gotten home from a walk with our dog who had just died in my brother's arms (because I was too stupid to not take her out on a walk when it was fucking hot out). And I was too upset with myself for killing our dog (which I absolutely loved) to stop him. It ended and he tried to get me to reciprocate I said no and he left. And that happened ON MY BED. The third was my on and off again boyfriend. Yeah he mentally abused me. And emotionally abused me. And manipulated the hell out of me. And almost succeeded in separating me from all of my friends and family. And cheated on me. And used me to cheat on his other girlfriends. And used a lot of coercion to get me to do what he wanted. And gaslighted me. I STILL doubt some of my memories because of that. Including the ones I wrote down when they happened. The coup de grâce was that he raped me before having to go to court (and eventually jail) in Idaho. And it wasn't rape in the sense everyone else thinks of it. It was rape in the sense of wearing me down until I said yes. ON MY OWN FUCKING BED AGAIN. He didn't care that I kept saying "No" over and over. He knew he was going to jail for at least 2 years and wanted one last time of having sex. But still. None of them were "that bad" in my mind.

Because no one outwardly threatened me with physical violence if I didn't have sex with them. In fact, none of them got my consent. "I guess" "do whatever you want" "I don't care". NONE of those are me saying "Yes I want to have sex." The first one was to my at the time running partner that gave me oral sex. The last two were the last guy.

I still have nightmares about him too. Because he knows where I live. He knows my bedroom is mostly windows. He is out of jail right now. He is currently in Idaho but could come back at any moment. And that scares the hell out of me. He could show up in my front or back yard at any time. And even though I have knives within reach of me when I'm on my bed, there's no promise that if I'm asleep when he tries to break in (and I have no doubt in my mind he would) I'll even hear it. I am a heavy sleeper which is why I didn't notice my boyfriend taking my pants and panties off when I was sleeping while he was drunk. I don't remember WHAT woke me up but something he did woke me up and I felt so violated from that. I DON'T want that happening again. Even if I do wake up, there's no promises I can get to a knife without him noticing and/or get any advantage over him. He outweighs me and has 100% more muscle than I do. Because I have no doubt in my mind that he lifted weights while he was there.

I have panic attacks any time I see a tall skinny white male with glasses and short brown hair. Because that is what he looks like. It makes it hard for me to do ANYTHING. Go ANYWHERE. And the extent of how many people he called friends and know/knew him is fucking scary. So many people I didn't think WOULD know him, DO. I live in fear daily because of this. And knowing I don't have the money to change my living situation makes it harder. Knowing that he's one of those Nice Guy™ types of guys who can charm his way into or out of almost anything scares the shit out of me. I have blocked his entire family on facebook. I've done everything I can to make myself virtually disappear. And I know that's not enough. He's really fucking smart. Especially when it comes to computers and the internet. So there's no way I can hide unless I develop an alias that can't be traced back to me and I don't see that ever happening. It is one of the scariest fucking things ever.

Knowing that someone I was intimate with. Not just sexually. But emotionally intimate with betrayed me in such a huge way is terrifying. I don't know that I can ever have a healthy relationship after that and honestly I don't want any kind of relationship at this point in my life. The thought of having sex scares me. I mean I slept with two other people since that last one happened. One of the guys was one of the most considerate partners I've ever had. And that's really sad. And the other lied to me so I'd sleep with him.

And my therapist wonders why I have no inclination to date or get into any kind of intimate relationships.....

Is it any wonder why I'm still occasionally suicidal? Is it any wonder why I'm slightly agoraphobic? Is it any wonder why I'm afraid of waking up and falling asleep? Is it any wonder I feel a need to lose myself into books? And video games? And the internet?

I feel like a scared and lost little child that no one can help.