Anger

So, I’ve come to realise that I’m just really angry at myself and my past that I can’t let go. And I can’t let it go or do forgiveness because I don’t really know how to. Mind you, I’m not talking the little things that have minorly made me angry.

• I’m talking stuff like no one in my family taking me seriously when I say that their teasing hurts my feelings and I’d like them to stop.
• Or he-who-must-not-be-named mentally, emotionally, and a little bit physically abusing me.
• Or being betrayed by someone I’ve put my trust in.
• Or being angry with myself because I’m a stubborn ass at times and due to that I let myself ignore ALL the warning signs that everyone else told me about he-who-must-not-be-named and basically let him into my life to be able to hurt me like he did.
• I’m angry at myself for not being able to let go.
• I’m angry at myself that I don’t know how not to hold a grudge (that’s something that my family is really great at is holding grudges).
• I’m angry that I don’t know how to forgive the bigger stuff and then let it go after I’ve forgiven them.
• I’m angry that my brain is such a huge douchebag that it’s given me both depression and anxiety and the latter manifests in more physical ways like turning into an asthma attack.
• I’m angry that I’m angry and that it’s affecting my sleep.
• I’m angry that I’m stressed because of my home life and work life and that’s affecting my sleep (and I’m pretty sure my health to a point).
• I’m angry that I can’t really see the good in myself that everyone else tells me that they see.
• I’m angry that I don’t know how to let my anger out in a healthy way.
• That I just let it ball up more and more until I explode and either take it out on someone I care about or on myself.
• I’m angry that sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. I’m angry that the medical profession *STILL* can’t find anything wrong with my right knee.
• I’m angry that I’m stuck in California and even if I were to get a job out of state or out of the country I’ll never be able to take it because of my brother.
• I’m angry that in correlation to that last point that we only have one other person besides me outside of the family that *COULD* take care of him but who has her own family and responsibilities so I’d feel bad about leaving and having to have her take care of him.
• I’m angry that his disorder makes it so that he has to be really comfortable with someone before I can leave him with them.
• I’m angry about the dysphoria I deal with on an almost daily basis.
• I’m angry about how useless I feel and sometimes am.
• I’m angry that I have to take medication daily to help with my anxiety and asthma and that I can’t deal with it on my own.
• I’m angry that though I have a fairly supportive family, I don’t feel safe enough to tell them my actual sexuality or how I feel about my gender.
• As a result of that, I’m angry that I’m constantly misgendered and subsequently feel like shit everytime someone uses female pronouns for me.
• I’m angry that I sound like I’m 5 on recordings or over VOIP programs or the phone.
•  I’m angry that I can’t be a “normal” person and go out to parties and stuff with friends without needing at least an entire day to recover afterwards. Sometimes a week.
•  I’m angry that because of that last one I tend to not really go out and do things because I don’t like how recovery feels from all the social interaction.

And I don’t know how to deal with all this anger. And I’m scared that my therapist isn’t going to be able to help me learn some coping mechanisms to deal with it all. That’s one of the things that scares me the most. Because I want to but I don’t know how. 

Visualization techniques have never worked for me.

I can’t meditate(I know how to but I can’t shut my brain up enough to do it)

And using humans as punching bags is apparently out of the question.

Screaming sometimes helps but not always.

Crying sometimes helps but not always and that one is with the added requirement of needing to be able to trust the person I am crying around because I can’t cry by myself sometimes.

Video games and books sometimes work but only in an escapism type way.