Last rant

So one last rant about my family before I go to bed...Specifically about my mum.

So, as I've stated before in person and on here multiple times to multiple people, my mum is OBSESSED with my weight and telling me that I'm fat and that it causes some of my medical problems and will only cause more if I don't watch what I eat.

So yesterday, I woke up at 730 am. Didn't get to eat until 9 am ish when I got back home from taking my brother to his Dr. appointment. Then didn't eat again until about 5 or 6 pm. My family, being my family on a Friday night, naturally went out to the bar for alcohol and pool and then went out to dinner as per usual like they do (I am invited to join them but I never feel up to it so I don't go). They get home about 7 or 8 ish(wasn't really paying attention to time as I was reading) and I go into my room leaving care of the dogs to them. And get ready to go to bed. Mum comes out and asks me if I've eaten. I told her "yeah, the rest of the donut holes and the rest of the bag of bbq chips" (which for the record was 10 donut holes and 1/4 of a bag of bbq chips at most). She then says something along the lines of "and you wonder why you're gaining weight" or something equally demeaning about my weight.

Tonight, she made dinner. It was delicious, as most of what she makes is (except pea soup and biscuits and gravy I hate those two euck). Tonight it was white rice with roast and vegetables over it with crescent rolls. I'm not big on eating biscuits of any kind. She knows this. As most of the time I flat out refuse biscuits(which usually makes her mad because she went through the trouble of making them and putting one on my plate and blah blah blah) because I'm getting to this point of not being huge on bread products. They fill up my stomach quicker than they use to. So I've cut out eating a whole lot of bread even though I like it. Anyway though. She fills me up an entire heaping plate of rice and roast and vegetables and gives me two biscuits. Doesn't consult me on how much I want (though that might be because I haven't talked to her since she yelled at me earlier) just assumes that I want a lot. Which I don't. I woke up at 9 am today and didn't eat til 4 or 5 and that was a bowl of dry off brand froot loops (which I'm fond of). Then an hour later she's giving me this heaping plate of food. Now here's the conundrum I face. If I eat it all, I'm eating more than what I want and filling up my stomach way too fast causing me to also gain more weight(which for the record, I DON'T wonder why I gain weight. I know why and just don't care. She cares more than I do). However, if I don't eat it all and put what I don't eat into a bowl or something in the fridge to eat tomorrow, she will get pissy about it.

Now, all this can be avoided by her asking me how much I want instead of assuming. The only time I get asked is if I happen to be in the kitchen when she starts making everyone's plates up. Which brings up new problems. Problems of  a) her getting insulted that I don't want as much as she wants to give me because she made enough to give me more and was expecting to do so; b) me telling her I want to do my own plate and her getting mad about it and throwing guilt trips at me for it (she likes feeling useful, I get it but sometimes most times she gives me too much).

So, I'm stuck in a lose-lose situation scenario with her. I get berated for my weight but she encourages the weight gain by giving me as much/nearly as much/more than she gives my dad(who burns off everything he eats at work and therefore pretty much needs that much food) and if I dare not eat it all and y'know put it away so I can eat it either later that night or the next day she gets pissy and throws guilt trips at me. If I eat what I feel like eating because cravings (and I'll admit I probably went overboard on the bbq chips last night but I woulda gotten yelled at for leaving so little in the bag so another lose-lose situation) I get berated. 

I know that living at home is an unhealthy living situation all around. However, it's cost efficient despite the unhealthiness. I mean, it's not like this EVERY DAY but it's like this at least once a week. Getting put into damned if you do and damned if you don't situations sucks ass. However, I can't afford to move out and it's beneficial to me to not move out as my job is here(easier to be a caregiver for my brother if I'm here instead of not) not to mention that even if I did move out, I'd be here from the time my parents left for work until they got home 5 days a week. So might as well stay here. It just sucks.

And then if I call my mum out on the guilt tripping she gets an attitude and either retaliates with "I'm not guilt tripping you, if you feel that way you obviously feel guilty about something" (which is inaccurate) or "well I guess you guys would be better off without me".

To make matters worse, I think my parents marriage is shaky and on the rocks. They both complain to me about each other and their lack of a sex life and the other problems they're having. I've told them both that they should go see a marriage counselor and they don't listen so..it's getting worse. It's almost like they've forgotten how to communicate with each other.

And I think some of that is partially WHY I'm having more anxiety attacks than normal. Because this has been going on for the past year. And it's been about that long that I've been having more anxiety attacks. However, I know that if I confront them about this, they'll automatically take it the wrong way. One or both of them will tell me "then why don't you move out if we're causing you so many health problems" and (most likely my mum) will most likely get snippity with me and guilt trip and manipulate me in some way, shape, or form.

-sighs- After my doctor is done checking out my knee and has me on something that regulates my anxiety better(I really don't think this stuff is working that well since I'm still having the attacks though not quite as frequent as before) I'm going to ask him to refer me to a psychiatrist/psychologist/therapist/counselor (whichever he thinks might work better though it might take me a few to find one that I can work with) so I can get myself into a better mental state because obviously doing it on my own isn't working very well. I've been getting overly emotional lately too. Over the stupidest things. And that worries me on a hormonal level. Not sure if it's the depo or not (though i suspect not because this was happening at least 2 months if not more before I got my depo shot) but something feels off kilter. But that's not too pressing of an issue to me right now at this moment. 

Hopefully after we figure out my knee, we can work on getting me to see a neurologist so we can work on figuring out why I have the constant headaches that so quickly will turn into migraines and why I've had them for so long and so continuously (I've had them for 16 years now). My former pediatrician and optometrist both suspect that it's something in my brain. Because I talked to both about it about 13 or 14 years ago. Pediatrician said it was either something with my eyes that the optometrist might be able to see/fix or something that I'd have to see a neurologist for and get tests done to see if it was something in my brain causing pressure. 

I swear, actually vocalising or writing/typing out my thoughts on my body, I feel like a hypochondriac. I know I'm not. But dear lord do I feel like one.

I also need to save up some money so I can go to my chiropractor again, get an xray of my back and have him re-align my spine and neck because they are so badly out of alignment and I can feel it and it's not a pleasant feeling. 

My life feels like it's spinning so far out of control that I'm never going to be able to catch up. I need someone/thing to ground me. And no, yoga doesn't help me. Yoga and I don't get along. I can do everything correct and it will still hurt me in some way. So don't suggest it. As soon as we can get my asthma controlled I'll be able to start exercising which will be something that will help but not as much as I need. Though a lot of that need is physical contact. I'm severely touch deprived and feel like crawling out of my skin because of it. I don't like being touch deprived. I don't feel like me.

I'm off to bed now. Enough ranting/bitching/worrying for tonight.

This is cross posted from my tumblr account. and I need to share the tags:
 #blow pop rambles #also as a side note #the fact I admitted that I need help #is a scary fucking concept to me #because it's something I don't admit #I feel like I have to be strong for everyone else #and carry the weight of the world on my shoulders #and it takes so much out of me #but I don't know how to ask for help #and when people offer help#i find it hard to articulate what i need #partly because I'm scared to #because they might decide it's too much and leave #without helping #and partly because #I don't want to burden people #with my troubles #because they seem so insignificant #when it comes to telling other people about them #but when I think about them #they are these huge things #and basically I don't know how to feel