Something a bit more personal

So, I have come to realise, that the only way I can really talk to people who couldbe potential partners about me being raped and winding up with an STD off of it(well off the second time) is either in text, phone call, via the internet, or whilst I'm driving. When I have to be looking forward and can't look at the person I'm talking to or seeing their eyes when I tell them. This tells me that I am very much not ready to be in any kind of relationship outside of friendships. There are 2 people that I can talk about the experiences and the STD with without texting/calling/internet/driving.

I really hate myself sometimes.

And the holidays don't help at all. They just make me want to further isolate myself til I lose contact with everyone. It takes a lot for me to stay in contact. I mean I'm terrible at keeping in contact anyway but the holidays(any holiday to be clear except halloween)are the hardest. Because everyone, even my friends in retail, are happier than me. They have good lives. They live on their own/with roommates. They graduated/are graduating from college. They have good jobs. And I'm stuck. I just want to give up. And before anyone gets this idea, I'm not saying I am. I'm saying I want to. The fact that I don't is a fact I ponder often. But something in me won't let me give up. So anyone who got worried at that, don't worry at best the most drastic thing I'll do is read more or game more. Nothing out of the ordinary for me. But the feeling is still there. Right next to the loneliness and shattered heart. And what feels like a huge hole in my heart.

In other happier news, I've seen The Hobbit twice now both with friends I care about. And I'm going to see Les Miserables between now and my birthday. And I'm exceedingly excited for it since Les Mis is one of my favourite films/musicals(or at least I hope it is....I own 3 versions of the film and the 25th anniversary concert of it and have two versions of the soundtrack, the original soundtrack and the 25th anniversary one). I'm off to ponder thoughts, try not to freeze, and try to get some semblance of sleep.