fuck

So I was having a great fucking day. And then my best friend made a post on facebook that completely shattered it. 

So first, the good things.

• I watched some terrible porn with Kitty. Had good times making fun of it. Sorry people I didn’t screen cap any of the porn bits. Just some random bits.
• I laughed. Hard. Like tears coming out of my eyes, sides hurting, and squeaking laughing. Whilst talking to Kitten, Kitty, and Steve(who does not yet have a nickname).
• Started a new book which I was reading during said porn film.
• Talked to Kitten, Kitty, and Steve for quite a few hours via skype call.
• Added Motorhead, Metallica, and Alice Cooper to my itunes library.
• And have spent about half the day topless because it’s hot.

Now the one thing that shattered it all. But backstory first. I met my best friend back when I first tried to do college but had to drop out for financial reasons.(family filing for bankruptcy because we barely had money to pay bills and buy food but government saying that they make too much money for me to qualify for financial aid and since I was 18-20 at the time and still living with them it mattered to the government.) I met her, her brother, and a whole slew of people all in the same day. I eventually wound up dating one of the guys(which honestly, isn’t a big deal since almost everyone in the group has dated each other at one point or another)and we broke up. Specifically he broke up with me for being “too unreasonable and expecting too much of him”. Which is horseshit since all I expected of him was to keep his word but I digress. Anyway, apparently they threw a BBQ party thing today and everyone but me got invited. It’s not like we don’t talk ever or anything. The only one I don’t talk to is my ex. I can be civil to him but I don’t particularly like him due to our breakup and finding out he cheated on me whilst we were dating. I don’t understand why I wasn’t invited again. Just because two events I wasn’t able to go to(one was because I had to work that day and couldn’t get out of it plus I was so sunburned that we all would have been miserable, second degree sunburn on the back of my calves and the other because I didn’t have the money for gas to get to where the event was and back). This is now the second event that I haven’t been invited to. I know if I message the people who threw it and ask why it will come across to them as me just being a whiny little bitch so I’m not going to do that at least not right now and not until I calm myself a bit. But it still hurts like hell. Like seriously, if you talk to someone and tell them you miss hanging out with them and they express the same or similar sentiments but don’t invite them to hang out or anything…..It just seems like horseshit. Like they never really liked me and only tolerated me because no one wanted to be the mean one to say “no one here really likes you so go away”. These are people I’ve know 7-9 years now. I just….I don’t know how to handle this. Since just about everyone has done this to me.

The people who invite me to stuff are people either across the country or across the pond/in other countries. Why can’t I live closer to them and y’know actually feel like I have friends and am wanted and cared about? Why do just about all the Californians I’ve met have to be like this? Is it me? Is it them? I really don’t know.

I’m going to go curl up and pretend I don’t exist and that I didn’t see that post for a week or two before I ask people about it. *sighs* Sometimes I really wish I didn’t exist.