Late Night Honesty

Before I continue with this I want to give everyone a trigger warning. This writing contains talk of rape and abuse. Anyone who gets triggered by those should definitely NOT continue.


So, I've been doing a LOT of thinking tonight. It's amazing what keeping myself properly hydrated whilst listening to/half watching musicals I enjoy will do to me sometimes brain wise.

It really hit me hard when I decided to reply to a topic in the kink w/history of abuse group. The basis question of the topic was how/why can you deal with BDSM or turn to BDSM after abuse. (or something of that nature. Brain starting to get sidetracked so bear with me) My response was this: "Because for me escapism through BDSM IS how I heal. Others see it as increasingly unhealthy. However, to get my mind into the right place for me to even attempt to work on issues, I HAVE to be put into subspace through pain. It's there that I find my quiet place. Where my ADD doesn't interfere quite as much with my thought process. I stop thinking about everything I stress about(money issues, job issues, family issues, etc) and I'm able to focus on the abuse and work my way through it. The hardest part is finding a top who is willing to help that I feel I can trust enough to put myself into that vulnerable of a position with. It's triggering at times since some of my abuse WAS through physical pain in a BDSM scene but the difference between my abuse and my healing is I know I can say a word and it will be stopped and discussed as to why. Not ignored."

And it's true. The people I decide to play with, if I safe word or tell them red WILL stop. Most of the discussion is if I want the specific activity to stop or the entire scene to stop but it's still a discussion. I know if I want to go further and discuss more into the why of it, I can. Or if I don't then I don't necessarily have to. It gives me a comfort and safety and security.

It's also made me very particular on who I will even talk to in a friend kind of sense. It makes it very hard for me to be friends/make friends with people. I struggle enough just with being an introvert and being friends with people with the addition of suspecting that I have a least a little bit of social anxiety disorder(won't know that until I find out if I have been approved or not for insurance and can get in to see a psychiatrist and see how much of what me and my family suspect is true and how much is just who I am and I have 14 days til I have to call them and find out if I've been approved or denied). I will admit that I at least show signs of possibly having social anxiety disorder and signs of having depression. I KNOW I have anxiety. I got diagnosed with that by my doctor a few years back. I need to go back on the medication for dealing with it. I also need to get a new prescription for my inhaler to help control my asthma when I start having an asthma attack. I also know I have fairly moderate-severe panic attacks that escalate to anxiety and then asthma attacks. As such, I try to keep myself out of situations in which I will have a panic or anxiety attack. I also try and keep myself out of situations that will trigger my asthma. Not always possible but I do what I can and carry my inhaler with me just in case.

Anyway though back to the abuse topic. The guy who abused me (whom I will refer to as hwmnbk) did a LOT of mental/emotional abuse. He eventually wound up raping me. Somewhere in the midst of the mental and emotional abuse I wound up handcuffed to a chair on my knees with him flogging my back/ass. Looking back at that, the way we went at that was all wrong. Even if we weren't already in a manipulative emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. We had discussed my limitations with pain long before that incident. The incident happened on Thanksgiving afternoon(or was that the Christmas eve one?) I don't really remember which holiday but I do know that we were living together and BOTH holidays he spent at his families house whilst I was denied being able to come with him or go see my family and was left in an empty apartment by myself and had to pretend to be ok with it. At that point I was so manipulated by him that it seemed fairly reasonable to be alone in an empty apartment for the holiday but deep down I did realise that I wasn't 100% ok with that. However, had I brought that up he would have wound up twisting my words and making me feel guilty and worthless. To fully put the manipulation into perspective, I almost completely lost all my friends and alienated my family because of him.

Anyway the handcuffed to the chair thing....some of you know bits and pieces of this. Some of you saw the photo he took of  the aftermath of that.; Some of you this is the first you're hearing about this at  all. This is my first time 100% telling the story. So he decided he was going to give me a Christmas present (THATS what it was...Christmas eve morning). My present was almost essentially a pound of flesh. This was already after I had tried to leave him once and wound up coming back (which was an incredibly stupid move on my part to come back). Hwmnbk blindfolded me and then had me drop to my knees after having me strip. He then handcuffed me to his computer chair (which for how wide the chair was, it was uncomfortable as shit). He then proceeded to use my flogger on me. He didn't start out lightly or prepare me in ANY way prior to this apart from telling me he had a christmas present for me. He savagely went at my back and my cries of pain were ignored.; I can remember the exact level of pain. My brain was screaming RED! We didn't have any safewords that he acknowledged. There was nothing I could do to get out of the situation. I dealt with it. Cried a little. Flinched a lot. In the end, he had wound up hitting over my kidneys a few times. As well as directly over my spine and other places you shouldn't play near. He finally stopped and whilst I was still handcuffed roughly fucked me and raked his nails down my back. Scratch marks on my skin most of the time stay with me for only a minute or two this was no exception. By the time he was done they had disappeared. All that was left was the marks from the flogger. Which I still have a photo of somewhere. On one of my computer back up discs.

He uncuffed me and told me to clean up the mess.; He was particularly unhappy to see the drool and tears on his computer chair. He then got dressed the rest of the  way whilst I was rubbing my wrists from being handcuffed too tightly and at a REALLY BAD angle and trying to recover and left without another word outside of  forbidding me to leave the apartment. The only exception was to go to the dumpster to throw a trash bag away. I am very surprised that I wasn't peeing blood for a week from that. He left me by myself to pick up the pieces of me. There was absolutely NO aftercare. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes the best aftercare for me is to just give me some water and keep an eye on me. But sometimes I NEED physical comfort. Sometimes I'm just too chicken to ask for it. Or too nervous. That day I NEEDED to be held and cared for. I'm surprised by how not suicidal I was after that.

I had almost 5 years of his manipulative behaviour and the emotional and mental abuse. Outside of him raping me that was the ONE time he was physically abusive to me. He raped me at the end of our relationship basically. And it was the kind of rape that doesn't feel like rape. It was the coercive bullshit kind in which I said no and he kept pestering me until I said whatever which he took as "I want to have sex with you". Even though I really didn't want to. It happened on MY bed. Yeah, the current one I sleep on. In the same room I'm still living in. The only difference was it's location in my room. Coercion of ANY kind is a HUGE trigger to me. As one of my friends found out. The short version of that story is that he wanted me to join him in a game with someone that I didn't want to play with, that he KNEW I didn't want to play with and him trying to convince me to play. It almost destroyed the friendship. He went from my best friend to a very painful wound in my mind. We are currently in the process of repairing our friendship. He has apologised for it but before I can consider the friendship repaired, I have to rip open all the scars that I'm ripping open right now and explain to him the details that I'd love to forget about hwmnbk and how bad the relationship was as my friend met me the summer before the relationship ended.

I've realised that because of this, not only do I have a slight aversion to getting close to menfolk (or persons that look like menfolk), I have an aversion to the community in general. I trust a total of 2 people in the community. And they USE to be together. They aren't anymore but I still trust the both of them. One of them is my piercer even though he has relocated himself to another state. I know at least some of the reasons why and know those at least don't have anything to do with me but I sometimes wonder when I get in what I call my depressive moods if it was partially because of me. I have no doubts that being friends with me and subjected to me can be VERY draining. I am VERY needy. Very emotionally unstable. Very unsure of myself. A LOT of that has to do with my relationship with hwmnbk. I've had one relationship (kind of) after him. And that was a coerced into relationship kind of thing that I purposefully sabotaged. He and I are still friends but I KNEW from the get go that we weren't going to work out. He just didn't listen to me. Outside of that I have had a total of 2 relationships that I can even moderately consider to be healthy relationships. I WAS still friends with them both but one is in the military and I haven't heard from him in years, nor do I have his number or his wife's number. The other, I fairly regularly play video games with.

It'shard for me to be in a relationship. I desperately desire to be in a healthy relationship. However, I don't know HOW to be in one. That or I just really suck at finding people to date. Or be interested in. I've been raped 3 times. All while I was with hwmnbk. I fear being vulnerable to another person. One of the two people I trust (my piercer) is the one who I am at least somewhat comfortable being vulnerable with. And even then, he doesn't ever get full vulnerability with me. I hate crying. It is therapeutic as hell. But I despise the vulnerability of it. As such, I hold A LOT of my emotional stuff in. Until it gets too much and I break. Even then, I only let myself break to a certain point and then cut myself off. I need someone who can understand that and be patient with me. Who won't push me too hard. Unfortunately, it won't wind up ever happening. So I really don't have much to worry about.

Writing this has drained me so I'll end it here for tonight. I'll write more on this when I have the energy to do so.